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It's funny how things creep up on you. So many things to get done, so many things happening slowing me down. I hate to push people when they are having a rough time almost as much as I hate having to push myself when I am.,but I also know how necessary it is that I do.



Just like every Winter, the urgency of preparing for the Season is pulling at me. That instinctual drive to shore up stores and winterize. I find myself thinking I should make extra blankets, jackets and sweaters. I'm wanting to make sure everyone has good weatherproof shoes and hats, scarves and gloves. I'm eyeing the sticker price on long john's and thinking of how much canned food I can stow away in the pantry without looking like I'm preparing for World War III.



I guess it just comes with the territory.



Meanwhile, I'm preparing to send hubby to warmer climates, just when I want to cuddle with him under the covers to get out of the chlly evenings we've been having. Just as I think I can shut off the A/C..I'm contemplating how long I'll be able to go w/o turning on the furnaces..and how I can cut our heating bill when I do have to turn it on.



I worry abit too, about how the roads are going to be for walking, and if we'll have to break down and take the car. If I'll make the deadline to apply for Winter Quarter, if..if..if..that word is making me old. (LOL)



It used to be this time of year I was excited about the coming Autumn, about the leaves turning and pumpkin pie. Now I am wondering just how much snow and ice we'll have to put up with..and it I'll have time to put away the money I need for the holidays.



"Old age" sneaks up on ya I'm telling you. ;)



Ah well, going to enjoy a nice long walk with two of my favorite people in about an hour and a half..watch my amazing daughter practice with her team for their next football game; and then come home to make a nice dinner. Perhaps kick back to a couple of movies, and make a gameplan for some home repairs that have to be done in short order.



I may find myself worrying sometimes, but I know there is always something I can do about it.



Here's to gray hair (yeah, I got a few) and coming Winter. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. :D

I've been on this crazy physician ordered diet to try and help me feel better (and it does work,) for about two years now. There are oodles of things I can't eat due to what's in them. I found a simple snack that met the diet's requirements that I haven't been able to eat in those two years. I never even used to be that fond of it..but when you haven't had something in that long; you'd be amazed at how good it can be.



Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Yay for peanut butter on cheese crackers!



*does mad crazy dance*

Woke up this morning to the crack of thunder and lightening, and our dog Cloud running scared as could be up into the bed beside me to try and bury his head under me. Poor thing was going to have a heart attack I think. There is something about watching your full-grown wolf/husky mix come bounding up to you like a small child over a thunderstorm that is sadistically amusing.



I tried to go back to sleep after cuddling him a little and calming him down, but then the phone started going haywire. Someone I counsel is having a bit of a crisis and needed to chat. By then, it was too late for any hope of going back to sleep.



I suppose I needed to get up anyway, with my daughter's schoolyear about to kick off. I'm going to have to be doing the greet the dawn thing in about a week, but I am certainly not looking forward to it. So much for sleeping in, Nature's alarm clock says NO. (LOL)

I just tried to post in my Coven's alliance for the first time, and just like the first time I tried to post in my Coven's forums..I screwed it up somehow. I absolutely abhor getting brave enough to try something..and ever-consistently finding the one way I could mess up.



The first time it had to do with the thread being sticky, which for the life of me I still don't understand (despite having it explained to me and looking it up.) This time all but three words of my post just didn't show up.



UGH



I'm not going to give up, am just a bit frustrated at the moment.

COMMENTS

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Stranger
14:23 Aug 24 2011

Awwww, it`s always good to try something new. Just drop one of me a message and I can help clear up any mistakes. ;D

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Lullaby
16:29 Aug 24 2011

It's okay. *pat pat soothe* :P



I feel the same way when posting in a new Coven, and getting a spelling mistake in there somehow. I check and check again... and nothing! Then when submit it... >:(



The post is deady though! I checked to see if there was anything more than the three words, and nada. :o

It's okay though, lol.

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LacyLashes
16:34 Aug 24 2011

Thanks!

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Today I had to do a balancing act with my daughter, pushing her to strive to do better..while remaining understanding that she was new to the situation and how to handle it. I feel pretty confident I did what was necessary, but there was a big part of me that really wanted to just wrap her up in a big hug and take her home and away from it all so she didn't feel stressed. It would have been the biggest disservice in the world I could have done to have been a blockade however. I realize she needs the experiences now while she is in an environment where she can make "safe" mistakes.



Sigh



It got me to reflecting on how hard it can be for me sometimes to make sure that I am not repeating my childhood, while simultaneously making sure that I am not working to hard to "protect" her from everything. The self-montoring, while necessary, can sometimes be exhausting. I want her to have a productive (and pleasant) childhood. Mine was anything but ideal, so I have to work off of my own research on how to handle things.



Sometimes it's easy..if it's the way it was when I was young..there is a good chance it is the "wrong" way. But then again, not everything was wrong. The dilemmas can be overwhelming. My Mother passed before my daughter started kindergarten. My Father is nearly non-existent in our lives; my husband is constantly away working. I have to rely on me. In some ways it seems impossible at times, others, I am so very glad things are the way they are.



I have learned so very much trying to make things the best they can be for her growth and development; in a way, she is teaching me lessons I never got the opportunity to learn. In those ways, parenting has so many "invisible" rewards. I am so thankful I got the opportunity to be a Mother; despite the struggles that come. Actually, sometimes, BECAUSE of them.

My husband is going back overseas again. On one hand I am very very sad, with the usual pit of worry in my stomach. On the other hand, I am delighted something he has been striving towards is working out for him. So many things have not been going the way he had planned, it's nice to see him get excited about something going his way.



This will be his 3rd deployment since we've been together, and in 11yrs, I suppose it's natural to be feeling this way..but I'm actually getting a little accustomed to the roller coaster of the way him leaving makes me feel. I know a little better what to expect I guess. I still have the same worries, but they are less extreme than they seemed the times before.



I do have nagging "daymares" in which I imagine myself berating myself if something happened to him (the thought makes me shudder) for not crying more before he left..or raising more of a fuss (as though that would stop him from going.) And I am absolutely terrified everytime that I tell him I am happy for him, that I'll have those words echo in my head for the rest of my life in regret.



But I can't let myself think like that. It's pointless, of no purpose, and is only self-fulfilling poo. Me sharing in his excitement and happiness is not something I should ever berate myself for, even if the worst (another shudder) should happen. I'm writing these thoughts down now so that I can remember that. And perhaps if anyone else has ever been (or will be) in the same situation; they can remember it too.



You can't make them stay, it would only make them unhappy. And you can't save them from anything that could just as easily happen at home. Share those smiling moments with them, because just like before you knew they were going over..it could be all you have tomorrow. Breath in, breath out..and don't let little petty worries and fears override you. Take life as it comes, the good is just as important as the lessons taught by the bad.



:D

Came very very close to meeting a goal last night. Have been trying to work my way up to walking as many miles in a day as I am years old. The final goal is 32, last night, I walked 26 miles with my walking companion!

Feeling extremely pleased with myself to only be as sore as I am as well. I'm pretty sure I could do nearly a repeat today. I'm not going to, because my walking companion has some pretty bad foot damage at the moment (and in this town it's extremely unsafe to walk alone) however, I'm going to keep plugging away at the distance whenever I can. I'd like to have hit that 32 before I'm 33. :D

I may not be able to drive anymore, but that doesn't mean I can't get around. Although I am definitely going to have to replace some "tires" here very soon, we go through shoes like no one's business!

Feeling very accomplished this morning! :D

COMMENTS

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Stranger
15:36 Aug 18 2011

Congrats! And you have till March to get to 33. :P

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LacyLashes
16:19 Aug 22 2011

:D

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Normally I'm very much together. It is relatively easy to put painful things aside and deal with them in their own time. I can generally take things in pretty decent stride, and approach problems and issues with a somewhat steady hand.



Not now.



Now things are a jumble of frustration and confusion. The ability to control things that are normally only a misquito whine in my ear are instead a clamoring symphony of storm sirens throughout both mind and body. I couldn't ignore them, and have grown weary of trying.



I want what I want, and I want it now. Almost makes me feel like a different person, but I know within that I am still me. When I get this way, I often wonder how I so easily managed previous. Why are things so different now? Usually the circumstances aren't THAT different. I grow increasingly disappointed and apprehensive simultaneously.



I have set rules for myself, and I have intended always to abide by them..but then this comes. All of the rules become confining, and after a time..seemingly pointless. I find myself giving myself lectures as to why I shouldn't and why I can't. Constantly reminding myself what COULD go wrong, what the consequences of this and that thing COULD be.



Sometimes that works, and others no. Most of the "no's" aren't all that bad, but they are doorways into other things. That is what I grow the most apprehensive of. Compulsion is like a one way door. It's very very simple to walk through it, but quite a feat to exit the way in which you came.



And I know that the strength to defy them comes from me. I know that I must not walk through that door..but the view through it gives me glimpses of food and I am starving. The scents and sounds on the other side are like water in the desert..and I am so very very dry.

I sit here now contemplating things I want to do with such a desire that it eats at me, things I need to do with such urgency that it will be the death of me, with knowledge of yet other things that I SHOULD do because it is only right that I do them, and the sincerest knowledge of things that I WILL do; whether or not I should.



I can't sleep and I haven't been sleeping. Slept? Yes. Sleeping no. I drift in and out of something like slept, so I suppose you could call it sleeping. I'm in and out of a waking dream that you could call being awake, but I don't know the difference at the moment.



These are the times that I am most afraid that I will make mistakes. And the biggest mistake of all is being afraid. I should be trusting myself now, knowing what course of action to take because forethought guides me. I am abandoning forethought to compulsion.



Only now I sit here tearing myself between common sense and raw desire. I can't let it be known, I can't let them discover what I would do..or I will do it. Actions such as these can't be revoked, and they will not be taken with the same intent as they would be viewed and comprehended as.



Damn "perception" and all it's trickery.

COMMENTS

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dragonthunder
10:25 Aug 02 2011

sometimes its just to give in

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